


Vicious As Roman Rule

by Raven (singlecrow)



Category: Chronicles of Chrestomanci - Diana Wynne Jones
Genre: Gen, Queer Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-03
Updated: 2010-10-03
Packaged: 2017-10-12 09:27:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/123401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singlecrow/pseuds/Raven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"I'm out of commission for two days," Chrestomanci said, "and the two of you start a social revolution, is that it?"</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Vicious As Roman Rule

"Nine-lifed enchanters don't get the flu," Chrestomanci said, and sneezed. Millie glanced across the dinner table at him, and grinned in Cat's direction.

"I don't know," she said, slowly, "I recall having to stay away from Gabriel de Witt, when I was about seventeen. I had raging flu and he was getting older by then, they didn't want him catching it."

"I've had the flu," Cat offered. "When I was seven."

Julia laughed. Chrestomanci glared at her and sneezed again. "Do shut up, Cat," he said. "And Julia, will you pass the salt, for heaven's sake, nothing on this table seems to have any taste today. It's not as though" – this with the weapons-grade, _are-you-aware-you-will be-Chrestomanci-some-day-Cat-Chant-you-blithering-idiot_ sarcasm – "we have a kitchen staffed with magic users and the finest herb collection in Europe, is it?"

Cat got to the salt cellar before Julia and handed it over. "I had a letter from Janet today," he said, carefully. "She says she'll be back for Christmas as planned, Millie."

"Oh, good." Millie smiled. "I hoped she wasn't having so much fun at boarding school that she wouldn't want to come home to us."

Chrestomanci sneezed again, but this time he seemed to be saying something underneath it. Millie turned to him with one eyebrow raised. "Are you quite all right, love?" she inquired, archly. "Can I get you a handkerchief? "

Suddenly, one appeared, suspended in mid-air. Millie plucked it like fruit and handed it to Chrestomanci. "I didn't do that," she said, conversationally.

"Er," Cat said. "I think I did. Sorry."

"Get away with you," Millie said. "You too, Julia, I think we've had quite enough after-dinner conversation for one evening."

Julia wandered upstairs, muttering something about Michael and homework and slave-drivers, and Cat seized the moment and dashed out towards the stables. It was pitch black in the grounds, but there was magical light burning in the archway; Cat hurried up, waved at Joss Callow and went in to give Syracuse a peppermint. "No time for a ride," he said, regretfully, and Syracuse snuffled and stamped a heavy foot; this was one of those times when a horse's thoughts didn't fit very well into a human mind, but Cat could make out the moon over a distant horizon, feel the lure of distance and hard ground beneath hooves. "Soon," Cat promised, and stroked his mane.

"Goodnight, Cat," Joss called. "I'm heading back to the castle, Roger says he wants my advice on some machine or other."

Cat grinned; whatever Roger's new project was, it was keeping him very busy. He and Klartch had taken over one of the old tower rooms, and occasionally the sounds of banging and distant swearing were heard drifting down the stairwell. Cat had thought it wisest not to enquire, and Chrestomanci had merely said, in his most long-suffering way, "If no one ends up being shot this time, Roger, I will not object."

"I'll close up here," Cat said, and regretfully left Syracuse. A quick spell lit the stables safely for the night, and he bolted the door behind him, bringing some of the light into his hands to illuminate his own way back across the grounds.

He was glad he'd done it as he stepped back through the front doors and into pitch black, moderated only by his faint glimmers. He was stepping over a rug to get up the stairs when it occurred to him that there had never been a rug there before.

"Er," Cat said, as he brought his hands down and filled the room with light. "Oh. Oh."

"Cat?" said Millie, appearing at the top of the stairs. "Oh... no."

After that things got a lot more complicated. Millie dashed down, casting such a network of spells that Cat had to jump away quickly and then half the castle came running, including Julia and Roger, who was stained with engine oil; there was a lot of shouting and a lot of frantic rushing about, and above it all Millie saying, "Really, Christopher, do you have to be such a prize idiot all the time?" but much less angrily than the words made her sound, and between them all they managed the right mixture of levitation spells to get Chrestomanci back where he was supposed to be. Cat supposed he ought to be scared, but he thought that perhaps he could do that afterwards, after the work.

A while later he climbed the stairs and said to Millie, "Is he all right?"

"Chrestomanci?" Millie looked pale, but she smiled at him. "He's fine, Cat, really. He's just an idiot with the flu."

Cat nodded. "Is it all right if I go to bed?"

"Off you go." Milie put her hand on his shoulder and gave him a gentle push. "You're a good boy, Cat."

Cat smiled to himself all the way to his room.

*

The next day Cat half-hoped that lessons would be cancelled, and Julia was clearly desperately banking on it; but things went on as usual, except, of course, Cat didn't have his private lessons with Chrestomanci. They filed into the schoolroom in the morning and got out their pencils, and a dreary hush settled over them all.

Even Julia was resigned to another hour of the common uses of herbs when suddenly there was a great commotion from downstairs. "What the," Michael began, and went to the door. The moment he opened it they all heard someone rushing up the steps two at a time, and even Michael was eavesdropping as the someone shouted, "What the hell is going on?"

Cat gave up trying to pretend he wasn't dying of curiosity and ran out the door before anyone could stop him. "There are serious things afoot in Series Seven!" shouted the person, and wheeled around.

Cat grinned. "It's all right, Mr. Tesdinic," he began, but too late.

Millie came down and said, trenchantly, "Will you shut up and stop shouting, Conrad, it's all right. Come downstairs and have a cup of tea and I will explain."

"It most certainly is not all right," Conrad was saying, "I was running into no end of trouble with a gang of rogue enchanters in the English Alps, and when I called for help _no one came_."

"Conrad..."

"Can you blame me for running over here as fast as my feet could take me, or rather Rosa's feet, poor creature nearly lost a shoe…"

"Cat," Millie said, catching sight of him for the first time, "will you go outside and see to Conrad's horse, please? Conrad, have you always had such a taste for melodrama or is it an artefact of middle age?"

They were still yelling at each other as Cat ran past them and out into the fresh air. The upstairs windows were open and she could hear Julia arguing passionately for the cause of no lessons, and he smiled a little to himself. He clicked his tongue and caught the reins of the horse; she wasn't as beautiful as Syracuse – what horse was, Cat thought – but she was still a good-looking strawberry roan, with an elegant way of holding her head. He hoped Conrad was staying.

"I'll take her," Joss said, appearing from nowhere. "All go round here today, isn't it? How's the Big Man?"

"I think he must be all right," Cat said carefully, "or Millie wouldn't be enjoying shouting at people so much."

Joss grinned. "Good to know."

By the time Cat had got back to the castle and followed the sound of voices to the dining room, Millie was saying, "So you see, Conrad, there's no great catastrophe. He's been feeling under the weather a bit and I've been telling him to rest, but…"

"But Christopher didn't listen," Conrad said, sounding chipper. He was sipping tea. "Of course not. But, Millie, listen. No matter how ill he is, Chrestomanci should still be subject to the summoning magics, and I did call him in a time of need. Why didn't he appear?"

Cat, seized with a sudden suspicion, reached out through the magical fabric of the castle, casting out imaginary feelers, searching, searching, clasping on something he had expected to find. "You filled his pockets with silver spoons," he said.

"Cat," Millie said, noticing him, and then stopped. After a moment Cat decided that Conrad was going to stop breathing before he stopped laughing; Millie had gone suspiciously pink. "Conrad!" she said, indignant. "I wasn't going to have him spirited away to, I don't know, Series Two or somewhere else awful while he was looking like that!"

"Sorry," Conrad said after a while, "I can't help it. Silver spoons, Millie! What did he say?"

"At first he didn't notice," Millie confessed. "Then he shouted and threw things. Then I cast a spell for sleep on him and as far as I know it hasn't worn off."

"I think," Conrad said fervently, "that when it does we shall all know about it."

Cat could feel the corners of his own mouth beginning to twitch.

"Well, then," Conrad said, suddenly calm. "Nothing to do but help, I suppose. Millie, there are spells in the house that tell you where he's gone when he's summoned, aren't there? Can we modify them in some way so they tell someone at the department where to go? Even if people can't have Chrestomanci for a bit, at least they can have a team of government enchanters or some such thing."

Millie nodded. "Just what I was thinking."

"We're going to need your help, my friend," Conrad said, looking at Cat. "It's going to be hard work without Chrestomanci."

"I'll help, it's just that" – Cat hesitated – "Chrestomanci's magic and mine are so different, they don't work together. I can't undo what he's done, and the other way round."

"Perfect," said Conrad.

*

It _was_ hard work. It took all afternoon, even with everyone in the castle helping, including Julia, which put her in a sunny mood that lasted into the evening. By then, even Cat was beginning to tire; all he had had to do was provide the power for Millie and Conrad to use, but his head was starting to feel too small to hold his skull. At long last, Conrad sat down with a thump on the nearest chair and said, "It's done. Christopher can stay in bed all year if he likes, we're on call."

"Thank you, Conrad," Millie said. "Thank you, everyone" – this to the amassed rows of people in the hall. Cat noticed Marianne's mother whispering something to Mrs. Bessemer that was making them both smile. "There's food laid out in the next room, please go and help yourselves."

It was a very unorthodox meal. Conrad was sitting in the same chair, now with a plate resting on his knees, and Cat was eating a bread roll and getting crumbs on the carpet, but no one seemed to mind. "One problem remains," Conrad said. "Unfortunately it's the one that brought me here. People are smuggling contraband across the English Alps, and it's a misuse of magic problem, and for that you need Chrestomanci."

"You know, Conrad," Millie said thoughtfully, "he may be the only nine-lifed enchanter in the Related Worlds, present company excepted" – she smiled at Cat – "but he does tend to make us all forget that we're rather powerful enchanters in our own right. You're agent for Chrestomanci in Series Seven – that does give you his authority, you know."

"What you're really saying," Conrad said, through a mouthful of sandwich, "is that I should go home and sort it out myself."

Cat recognised the expression on Conrad's face; it was the same one he knew he got whenever he really thought about what it would be like to be the next Chrestomanci. Millie seemed to understand; she patted Conrad on the head and said, "We can't all have boundless faith in our own abilities, Conrad."

"Yes, but we can try." Conrad stood up. "I rather think I'll try and get home tonight. The portal I used should still be open."

Millie raised her eyebrows. "If you're sure..."

"I'm sure." Conrad smiled at Cat and nodded to Millie. "Tell Christopher I'll be happy to come and annoy him when he's feeling up to it."

He was gone surprisingly quickly, saying his goodbyes and heading out into the night. Lying in bed, Cat listened for the sound of receding hooves before snuggling down for the night. He fell asleep almost instantly, and dreamed of great distances, ground rolling off to the horizon, and the moon, orb-like and ominous. Someone was shouting his name from across that distance, voice cutting clearly through the night air, and the sound echoed inside Cat's skin, reverberating around his bones. He shivered in the cold and thought about how Chrestomanci had told him to keep track of his dreams as part of training his magic, and all at once he realised that if he was remembering something Chrestomanci had told him, he must be awake.

Stretching, he rolled over and sat up in bed. At once, the silence of the castle pressed down on him, strange, oppressive. He still had that vague sense that someone was calling him, but it was clear that he was shivering because he'd thrown his covers off the bed. He got up and pulled them back over himself, listened for a moment for sounds from outside, but heard nothing but the owls. Vaguely, he wondered if it was the effect of the silver spoons; the feel of Chrestomanci's magic was like the sound of the sea, only noticeable when it was taken away.

Hiding his head under his pillow, he fell soundly asleep again, and this time he dreamed quite ordinary dreams about riding Syracuse and having lessons with Julia and Roger. But when he woke up, it still wasn't light. There was a very pale pink in the lower part of the sky, and Cat guessed it was probably about five in the morning.

"Cat?" said a quiet voice. "Are you awake?"

"I am now." Cat got swiftly out of bed and went to the door. "Millie, what is it?"

Millie was wearing an odd mish-mash of clothes and looking confused. "I heard voices coming from somewhere," she said. "But I just checked on Julia and Roger and they're asleep. Is someone prowling around the castle at this hour? Does anyone get up this early?"

"Michael probably does," Cat groused, and then stopped. He could hear it too – a dim whispering, getting closer. "Could it be Chrestomanci?" he asked.

"The spell still hasn't worn off," Millie said, and grinned wickedly. "Come on, then, let's play detectives."

Millie really wasn't scared of anything, Cat thought with admiration, and followed her down the stairs. The lights came on as they went, and at the bottom she said, "Conrad!"

Conrad looked up and almost dropped whatever it was he was holding; Cat could only see a large, dripping wet bundle. "Sorry," he said, "I found…"

"Cat," said the bundle, voice distinct in the cold air.

"Janet?" he said, sharply, darting forwards. "Janet, is that…"

"Conrad?" Millie was quick on his heels. "Conrad, where did you..."

Conrad opened his mouth to answer, and then closed it again at the sound of a heavy crash from upstairs, followed by muffled shouting and a deep sonorous thump.

"Christopher," Millie and Conrad said together, and Janet started to cry.

*

Cat decided that after nearly four years living in Chrestomanci Castle, he had become much better at dealing with catastrophes. At any rate, he had managed to set up some drying spells while Millie was seeing to Janet, and conjured cocoa and mugs and set water to boil. Conrad grabbed one of the mugs before Cat was quite finished. "I'll see to Christopher," he said firmly, sounding rather like Chrestomanci himself, Cat thought, watching him stride determinedly upstairs.

Millie led Janet into the kitchen, still weeping gently, and sat her down at the table. "There, now," she said, and the room lit and warmed around them. "Tell us all about it."

Janet took an audible deep breath, and sat back in her chair. "It's hard to know where to begin," she said. "I'm so sorry about all of this, Millie! I never meant to cause so much trouble!"

"Rubbish," said Millie. "We're just happy to see you, Janet, and whatever it is, we'll understand."

We, Cat understood, meant Chrestomanci, too. Janet seemed to have realised this as well; she took another deep breath and said, "I'm not sure when it started. I'm not really sure what to tell you first."

"Start anywhere you like." Millie passed around the cocoa mugs. "We'll make sense of it later."

"All right." Janet nodded. "Well, it wasn't Iike this in the beginning. I know none of the others" – she smiled weakly at Cat – "have really understood why I wanted to go to boarding school, but I did."

Millie said, "I understand."

"And at first it was just like it was in books. It really was. I made lots of lovely friends, and there were midnight feasts and tuck boxes – thank you again for that, by the way," she added. "Everyone loved the jam tarts. And it's nice here, in the castle. I mean, I love it here, it's like home to me. But at school you don't have to study magic unless your parents want you to, and there are people who do do it, magic I mean, but they're mostly minor witches. I mean, there are no enchanters."

 _If there were_ , Cat thought, _they'd be here_ , and then decided this might not be the best thing to say out loud.

"And I know magic is very important, and everything. But I can't do it, and sometimes it's nice to not. To not... you know."

Millie nodded. "I know. Go on, dear."

"Anyway, so it was going well, and I was planning to come back at Christmas and tell you what a lovely first term I'd had. And then yesterday the headmistress called me into her study and said she had to speak to me about a very serious matter. She said I'd done a terrible thing, and that I wasn't to speak to anyone until she told me I could. And at first I thought it was like in the books and somehow she'd found out about the midnight feast or something, but when I asked her what it was I'd done she said that if I was going to pretend I didn't know then she wasn't sure what she was going to do with me. And I said I really didn't, and then she said I had to go and pack up all my things. And I didn't know what to do!"

She was getting tearful again; Millie reached out and touched her hand across the table. "It's all right, dear."

"I tried asking a girl called Sally, she was meant to be my friend, and she just. She just stared through me, like she didn't know me. And no one else would talk to me, and no one would tell me what I'd done wrong. And then they sent me to bed, not my own bed but in another room where I couldn't see anyone, and I was sure I was going to be expelled in the morning and I still didn't know why, and I didn't know what else to do, so." She stopped. "I, er…"

Cat said, thinking of being woken in the early hours, of someone calling his name: "You summoned Chrestomanci."

Janet nodded. "And I waited and waited, and he didn't come, and I thought maybe because I'm not magical... maybe it wasn't important, when I called."

Millie said, "Janet! Don't say such things! Of course it was important."

Janet sniffed. "But why didn't he come?"

Millie gave her a small smile. "I'm so sorry, Janet, but in a way that was my fault. Chrestomanci has the flu, so we're not letting him be summoned for a few days."

Janet sniffed again, and looked up. "Nine-lifed enchanters get the flu?"

"Believe me," Millie said wryly, "it's been a learning experience for all of us. But what happened next?"

"When Chrestomanci didn't come, I decided that I couldn't just sit there and wait to be expelled. I wished I was Cat, and could just teleport myself here! I climbed out of the window and took all the money I had, and walked to the station and got the last train to Oxford. And then from there I got another little train, and then I thought I'd be able to find my way here, but somehow I got lost in the woods over by Ulverscote. And then I heard a horse coming closer, and I think I sort of hoped it might be Syracuse, so I ran through the trees so it had to go past me. Only it was Mr. Tesdinic, not Cat, but he stopped for me anyway, and he was so kind…"

"Not a bit of it," said Conrad cheerfully from the doorway. "I was thinking lovingly of a warm bed, and starting to regret my dramatic exit into the night a little bit, shall we say. At any rate, it didn't take much persuasion for me to turn back. And here we are, and I do apologise for the incursion. Oh, and Christopher is very angry with all of us."

"What for?" asked Cat, warily. He still wasn't used to having someone around who habitually referred to Chrestomanci by his name; even Millie didn't, when speaking to the children, and though Cat did know that Chrestomanci hadn't always been Chrestomanci, it seemed strange to be so often reminded.

"For existing, and not having the flu." Conrad grinned and sat down the wrong way on a chair. "I've turned all his clothes invisible, so hopefully he'll take the hint and stay in bed."

Cat spluttered into his cocoa. Janet smiled properly for the first time and said, tentatively, "So… he would have come? If he hadn't…"

"If he hadn't had pockets full of silver, of course he would," Millie said. "Of course he would, Janet. You mustn't think anything else. Speaking of bed, I think it's high time we all went. I think no one will mind if we all sleep a little later than normal this morning."

Conrad nodded. "We can deal with things like the flu and inexplicable expulsions after we've had some sleep."

"Wait," Janet said, suddenly, as they started to clear the things off the table. "I think I might know why it was. I think it might be because I kissed a girl called Rosemary Dawson."

Millie stopped in her tracks and put the mug she was holding back on the table. "We'll sort out it in the morning," she said, but it sounded as though she wanted to say something else.

*

It was nearly afternoon when Cat woke up. The full light of the sun was coming in through his window, and Julia was shouting in his ear. "Wake up," she said impatiently. "Mummy said we weren't to disturb you, but it'll be time for lunch soon and did you know, Janet's here!"

Cat rubbed his eyes and sat up. "Yes," he said, and stumbled in the direction of the bathroom so he could drink straight from the tap. "I was there when she came in last night."

"Oh," said Julia, sounding disappointed, and Cat decided to just put his entire head under the tap, it seemed easier. When he'd wiped the water out of his eyes and could see again, Julia had been joined by Janet. He blinked. "Cat, come on," said Julia, sounding for a moment rather like her father. "Lunch is getting cold and I'm simply dying to hear about what happened last night."

"In a minute," Cat said, blearily. "Just... give me a minute."

The second Julia had gone, Janet plucked Cat's sleeve and looked at him, imploring. "Cat," she said, "I'm so desperately worried."

Cat thought mournfully of a time when Chrestomanci's wrath at his inability to do magical theory was the biggest problem he had to face every morning, and went deliberately back into his room, letting Janet in behind him, and closed the door. "What's happening now?" he asked.

"Millie and Conrad – um, I mean Mr. Tesdinic – they've been up for hours, and they're talking in the kitchen and they won't let me in. Roger and Julia are supposed to be in lessons, so there hasn't been anything for me to do."

"Except worry," Cat said, and sat down on his bed. He'd just remembered. "Why were you expelled?"

"That's what I've been thinking about all morning," Janet said, miserably. "It's what I said to Millie."

"What happened?" Cat asked.

"There was going to be a dance, just before Christmas," Janet said. "Well, I suppose there will still be one, just… without me. There were going to be dresses, and decorations, and it was going to be joint with another school – boys, you know. And I had such a pretty dress, Millie helped me choose it, and I was so excited. So I asked a girl in my form – her name's Rosemary, isn't that a pretty name? And I asked her if she would come to the dance with me. Like… " Janet blushed. "Like that, you know. And when she said yes I was so happy, I…"

When it became clear she wasn't going to go on, Cat said, "Kissed her."

"Oh, Cat!" Janet glared at him. "You're just like the rest of them, you're going to hate me too, aren't you? Oh, I just don't understand!"

Cat was ready to protest he'd said no such thing, but Janet jumped in. "Cat, go down and find out what Millie and Mr. Tesdinic are talking about. I can't bear waiting any more. Please."

Without waiting for his answer, she'd gone, her footsteps receding down the landing. Cat stared at the door, and then for a moment at his softly enticing bed. He hadn't made the decision when yet another person stuck their head around the door. "Oh, hullo."

"I suppose," Cat said, crossly, "you've come to tell me I should come down to lunch."

"Well, yes." Roger was nonchalant. "Only because Julia and Janet were going to, and now they've disappeared and everyone else is getting twitchy. It's roast chicken."

"Roger," said Cat, and scrubbed at his eyes. "Did you know Janet's been expelled?"

Roger nodded. "It's a good thing if you ask me, I never knew what she saw in the whole thing. Mummy says we have to be nice to her for a while. Although I don't know why we wouldn't be," he finished, sounding rather injured.

"What do you think about it?" Cat said.

"About being nice to Janet?"

"No, about..." Cat hesitated. "About why she was expelled. I mean… was it a bad thing, that she did?"

"I don't know." Roger was apparently considering it for the first time; he sat on the edge of the bed and looked thoughtful. "I never really thought about it before. I thought it might be just a thing that girls did at boarding school, like in those books."

They shared a look; Julia and Janet had gone through all of Millie's collection of school stories, and now they tended to ask Chrestomanci to bring them back new ones from Twelve A. It was trying.

"Is it something girls do? Kissing girls?" Cat wondered.

"Perhaps?" Roger didn't sound sure. "But Janet's not bad. I mean, she's not" – he gave Cat a quick, rueful look of apology – "Gwendolen. Sorry, Cat."

Cat shook his head. "It doesn't sound bad. Not like the sort of things that are bad. Just…" He hesitated again. "Just new."

"Besides," Roger said, a note of clarity coming into his voice, "if it was bad, someone would have gone to Daddy about it. And they haven't, so it isn't."

Cat nodded; he understood that.

"Come on, Cat," Roger said, stamping his foot suddenly. "I'm hungry, and it's probably gone cold."

"You go on ahead," Cat said, looking for his clothes on the floor. "I have to do something for Janet first."

*

From his vantage point on the stairs, Cat concentrated hard on the kitchen door until it opened a tiny crack. After all, Cat reasoned, if it was a properly private conversation, they would have cast anti-eavesdropping spells on themselves. Although he wasn't entirely sure that was good logic, he curled up on the step and cast a spell to make himself invisible.

For a moment nothing happened. And then he heard someone shouting, "No!'" It took a moment for Cat to realise it was Millie; he didn't think he'd ever heard her raise her voice before. "No. You will not do what you always do. This is different."

"What I always do?" said another voice, and Cat was surprised; it was Chrestomanci, sounding more hoarse than usual but no less peremptory. "Conrad? What do you have to say for yourself?"

"What do _I_ have to say for myself? I wasn't aware I'd done anything wrong," Conrad said dryly. "As far as I see it, the immediate problem is easily fixed. But… there are greater things at stake here."

"I'm out of commission for two days," Chrestomanci said, "and the two of you start a social revolution, is that it?" A pause, and Cat could picture his expression very well: it would be the familiar mixture of amusement and annoyance. "Excuse me for a moment."

The door opened and Chrestomanci said, "Cat, could you come down here, please."

Feeling his insides turning to water, Cat did as he was told. Chrestomanci held the door open for him, and only as he was stepping inside did Cat remember to turn himself visible again. Both Millie and Conrad looked surprised.

"Sit," Chrestomanci said.

Cat sat down on the edge of the chair nearest to the door. "Er," he began, "I'm sorry..."

Chrestomanci waved him silent with an impatient hand. "As I was saying," he went on, "I fail to see the momentous import of this. But perhaps you'll both continue enlightening me."

Other than the daylight streaming in the window, the room looked just as it had the night before. The mugs were still sitting on the side, unwashed, there was even a damp patch where Janet's hair had dripped. Even the added presence of Chrestomanci didn't make as much difference as it might have done; if he concentrated, Cat could feel something muted in the slightly feverish edges of Chrestomanci's magic. Cat blinked; Chrestomanci seemed to have forgotten he was there.

"The immediate problem," Conrad said again, with a quick glance at Cat, "is easily fixed. You write a letter to the school, on your heaviest, most gilt-edged notepaper, in your best pompous style, and of course with your seal, inquiring if they perhaps weren't aware of Miss Chant's connections, and if they might find it within themselves to reconsider. Of course they'll take her back."

"And if she doesn't want to go back?" Millie said.

"There are other boarding schools," Chrestomanci said, impatiently.

"Some of them are in Series Seven." Conrad was looking serious. "Do you remember, the two of you, when I first came here to live? Do you remember how I missed cars, electric kettles, television sets? I think this might have been another thing I missed, if I'd had the brains to. The girl asked another girl to a dance with her! And they expelled her for it!"

"A dance?" Chrestomanci sniffed. "She's fifteen."

"And of course you were never fifteen, Christopher," Millie said briskly. "Of course you never asked a girl to a dance with you. Don't, for heaven's sake, be more asinine than you can help."

Cat, feeling distinctly uncomfortable, stood up very quietly and edged towards the door. "Sit _down_ , Cat," Chrestomanci snapped, and Cat sat down.

There was a moment's silence. Chrestomanci said, "Of course she's not of this world. She's not Frank and Caroline's daughter – at least, not the Frank and Caroline I knew – and she's not Cat's sister. In the world she comes from, Cat died at birth. As did I, for that matter. But she's here now."

"That's it!" Millie said, and she'd raised her voice again. "That's what you always do, Christopher! You sit there and say, in that way you have, of saying, oh, my dear, you're here now so you must learn to fit in. But not this time."

Chrestomanci threw up his hands. "I cannot change the world for one child! I don't even know how I could!"

Conrad laughed. "Hallelujah, I think he's got it."

Chrestomanci leaned back in his chair. "Got what?" he said, tiredly, and Cat remembered, for a moment, the dark instant of finding him by the stairs.

Millie said, "You can't change the world for her, Christopher. But if she wants to ask a girl to a dance, then it's our duty to defend her. Who else has she got to speak for her?"

"Here's a thought," Conrad said, raising his head. "There's enchanter magic in the Chant family, isn't there?"

"Yes," said Chrestomanci. He still sounded tired. "Cat's parents were both my first cousins. We're that sort of family," he added.

"Well, what if it hadn't been Cat? What if it had been… his sister?"

Chrestomanci shuddered. "God forbid."

"What if?" Millie demanded. "What if it had been Janet, for that matter? There's no rule that says Chrestomanci must be of this particular world. And if the only person in the all the worlds with nine lives was a woman..." She paused. "I'd have liked to have seen it."

Conrad grinned broadly. "A woman who loved women, Chrestomanci. My sister would approve, I think."

There was a long silence. Cat shifted in his seat, but he didn't dare get up. The sounds of people moving around in the castle were clearly audible, and Cat could hear birdsong at the window.

Chrestomanci had taken on a look of extreme vagueness. "I think I am going back to bed," he said. "Thank you all for a most entertaining period of consciousness."

He strode out, dressing gown whirling around him. The room seemed to collectively exhale as the door closed. "Well!" Millie said. "I'm sure lunch must be stone cold by now. Come on, Cat, Conrad."

Cat followed her, and wondered if things were going to keep on being this peculiar.

*

Two days later, Chrestomanci was terrorising everyone in the castle, making the Pinhoes flee in terror, and bristling like a cat whenever anyone tried to suggest he should lie down and rest. After one particularly vicious incident involving the teatime crockery, Millie and Conrad took down the spells standing in the way of the summoning magics. Although they had taken all day to put up, they came down in just a moment, and Cat felt it as though all the air in the castle had turned to glass and shattered. When it was over he took a deep breath and felt somewhat better, realising after the fact that the change in the ambient magic had been making his teeth itch.

After that, Chrestomanci was never in one place for more than a few minutes at a time, as all the people who had needed him urgently carried on needing him. "Like an elastic band twanging across the worlds," said Julia, delightedly, over dinner, and they never did hear what Chrestomanci would have said to that.

"What a shame," Roger said, as he looked at the now-empty space, "he took the pepper pot with him."

Cat couldn't help grinning. But things weren't back to normal, all the same. Janet was still there, sitting next to him in her usual place, but not eating much, and Cat noticed how Millie's attention was on her more often than on any of the others, her face lined with concern. When Janet asked if she could come with him, the next time he went out with Syracuse, he said yes without thinking about it.

"Sorry," she said, as they crossed the boundary of the castle grounds and set off into the surrounding woodland. "I know if I hadn't come you'd be able to ride, not walk."

"That's all right," Cat said, and found to his own surprise that he meant it. It was enough to be out, in the fresh morning air, with Syracuse's warm presence beside him and Janet's sharper, more flighty one nearby. "It's nice that you're here."

They went on in silence for a while, listening to birdsong and the distant sounds from the village. Dwimmer, Cat thought, not for the first time; the magic in human beings wasn't something anyone, not even Marianne or Chrestomanci, was an expert on, but they were all learning.

"I don't know what to do," Janet said, suddenly.

Cat didn't say anything.

"Millie says it's up to me, that what I decide will be fine. But I still don't know." She paused and turned to look at Cat. Even Syracuse stopped, instinctively. "Millie says that Chrestomanci can write a letter to my school and then they'll have to take me back. Or he'll go and see them." She sighed and started walking again. "I don't think it would be the same, if I went back. No, it wouldn't. I'd always remember it, and so would everybody else."

Cat nodded.

"And Mr. Tesdinic says that he could take me with him, when he goes," Janet went on. "I could go to a school in his world. He told me that where he comes from, there are people like me."

"There are people who can't do magic here," Cat pointed out, before realising that hadn't been what she'd meant.

"Cat," said Janet patiently, "I'm not from this world. I don't know why I'm different, but I'm always going to be different. And then I thought… maybe I should… well, maybe I should go home, you know? I'd like to see my parents again, someday."

"What are they like?" Cat asked, and didn't say: _please don't go_.

Janet smiled. "They're wonderful. They're very kind. They're not like Chrestomanci and Millie..." She paused. "Not that _they_ aren't kind! But they're different. They're my parents," she finished.

Cat nodded again, and thought for a rare moment of his own parents.

"But I like it here!" she said. "It's my home, now. And I don't want to just… to just run away. Just because I kissed a girl. And before you say anything," she added, crossly, "it's not some sort of _childish phase_. I heard people talking about it in the castle. We have proper words for it in my world, and anyway I'm not a child. I'm fifteen. There are lots of girls in all the worlds who like other girls."

Cat wasn't quite sure what to say.

"So maybe I could just go with Mr. Tesdinic, and then come back after a while" – but she didn't sound happy about that, either. "Oh, why is it so stupid and difficult!" She kicked a tree and Syracuse snorted; the combined effect was to flush a flock of starlings, who spread in black flutters across the powder-blue sky.

"We should go back," Cat said, and felt suddenly stupid and useless. Janet looked at him without seeing him; after a moment, she nodded, and Cat led Syracuse in a half-circle through the trees.

They walked back towards the castle mostly in silence. The front gates were just looming into view when Janet said, "I know why Chrestomanci didn't come, now. There wasn't anything he could have _done_."

She kicked the gatepost as she went past it. Cat felt more useless than ever.

*

Someone had declared a magical war in Series Two, apparently. This came to some sort of ceasefire a short time afterwards, and they started seeing Chrestomanci at breakfast again. Which was a good thing, Millie said later, because it meant they were all there to witness it when Chrestomanci vanished in the middle of his morning coffee and reappeared five minutes later with a severe-looking woman in tow. She had her hair up in a bun and wore horn-rimmed glasses. From the expressions of everyone else at the table, Cat guessed, it wasn't just him with no idea who she was.

"Excuse _me_ ," she said. She was standing next to the table, looking as though she had no idea who they were, either. When no one said anything, she tried again. "Excuse me!"

"You're excused," said Chrestomanci, lazily, and reached for the coffee again. It was still steaming. "In case you're at all interested, this is Chrestomanci Castle. These" – he waved an expansive, imperial hand – "are some of my colleagues. And my family."

As he said it, he looked directly at Janet. To Cat's surprise, she squeaked and disappeared under the table.

"This is quite unacceptable!" barked the woman. "Take me back at once!"

"I rather think that depends on one's definition of acceptable," Chrestomanci said, in his most expressionless way. "Personally I find it falls short of most standards of acceptability when I am taken away from a civilised breakfast – my first in some days, I might add – to deal with something that does not by any standards constitute an emergency."

"You kidnapped one of my pupils!" shouted the woman. She didn't lack courage, Cat thought. "And then I was visited, in the middle of the night, by some most unpleasant men who said they were enchanters from the government! I never heard of anything so unseemly!"

"What a sheltered life you must have led, madam," said Chrestomanci, politely, and Millie made a strangled sort of noise and pulled out a chair for the woman. She sat in it without noticing Millie at all. The rest of the table was still staring, rapt.

"And I think you overestimate me," Chrestomanci went on. "I don't think I am legally capable of kidnapping in this instance. Janet Chant is my ward, and in any case it was my understanding that you were going to expel her for some unspecified but undoubtedly facile reason. If either her or my own actions were pre-emptive, well, then, I commend to you our sense of efficiency."

From under the table, Janet squeaked again. "Miss Brazil," she hissed up to Cat. "My headmistress!"

"Government enchanters!" insisted Miss Brazil. "And Miss Chant was going to be justifiably asked to leave my establishment!"

"Why was that?" said a new voice, and Cat turned to look at Conrad, who was sitting at the other end of the table looking rather amused. "What terrible crime had she committed? It must have been pretty terrible," he went on, reflectively. "To be worth all this, ah, brouhaha."

"She made a quite indecent suggestion to another girl," Miss Brazil said. "And I will not tolerate that sort of thing under my roof."

Almost imperceptibly, Chrestomanci lost his temper. "Janet Chant is my ward," he said, again. "If you wish to accuse her of some misdemeanour, or to place a less than innocent cast upon her motivations, or indeed to speak of her at all, then I remind you that I am her legal guardian" – and the only nine-lifed enchanter in the Related Worlds, Cat supplied mentally, temporarily forgetting himself – "and you will have to address yourself to me."

Chrestomanci's bout with the flu hadn't done anything to his looks except to make his eyes even larger in his pale, fine-boned face. He stood up, taller than anyone in the room even in bare feet, and there was a long, long moment's silence.

Millie said, very quietly, "Would you like some breakfast before you go?"

Miss Brazil looked like she might explode, but said nothing at all, and Cat found himself smiling.

"I see," said Chrestomanci, and sat down in his chair with a flump. A distant pop told Cat that the headmistress had been returned to wherever she had come from.

"Really, Christopher," Conrad said, into the silence that followed, "just when I think you're going to be a pig-headed idiot..."

"Conrad," said Chrestomanci, in his most dignified voice, "your opinion was not solicited."

After another moment, he said, "Janet, would you please emerge from under the table. Sometimes I wonder if anyone in this household has any table manners at all."

*

Lessons were not cancelled.

"You did well," Chrestomanci said curtly, and Cat startled. Off his look, Chrestomanci stretched, cat-like, and said, "Not at the problems set, I must clarify. Your grasp of magical theory is abysmal, Cat. But I understand the recent spellwork in the castle was your effort. It was economically executed."

"Conrad and Millie did most of it," Cat said, honestly. He looked up, slightly miserable; going back to regular, torturous sessions of magical theory after the short break was turning out to be a culture shock. He'd already found himself thinking lovingly of an outbreak of hostilities in Series Two, and he'd had to sit on the thought very hard for fear of having any more evil-enchanter thoughts.

"Nevertheless." Chrestomanci looked at him for a moment and started to pace, using the entire length of his study to prowl. Cat occasionally wondered if it wasn't the wrong one of them who had the nickname. "It was well done."

Cat was just dipping his head back to his sheet of problems when Chrestomanci said, "How has your education been progressing recently, Cat?"

Apparently this was going to be a morning of Chrestomanci at his most blankly mystifying. "Er," Cat said, "I haven't... we haven't exactly had lessons."

"Your education, not your schooling." Chrestomanci sighed. "Keep your ears and eyes open, Cat, that's all I ask."

"Er," Cat said. "Yes, I will."

Chrestomanci went on pacing, looking simultaneously vague and determined. "The problems that face you, Cat, when you are Chrestomanci… well, they won't be the ones I've set." He waved a hand. "That'll do for now."

Relieved, Cat left in a hurry and almost fell over Janet as he made his way down the stairs. "Cat!" she said, eyes glittering. "I'm going with Conrad to Series Seven. He says there are places there I can go for a while, at least, only he's leaving tonight so I have to… oh, Cat!" Without warning, she hugged him fiercely, startling Cat, and then she'd let him go and was running up the steps two at a time.

"Janet!" Cat called after her. "Are you _leaving_?"

Janet turned around, twirling in mid-flight. "No, silly!" she shouted back. "Well, I am, but I'm coming back! You'll see!"

Cat, feeling rather overwhelmed all of a sudden, sat heavily down on the steps and watched her disappear.

"Are you all right, Cat?" Someone sat down next to him, and to his relief, it was Millie. "You don't look well."

"Is Janet really going?" he asked, feeling honest and a little raw. "To Series Seven?"

Millie put an arm round him and squeezed. "You do understand why she's going, don't you, dear?"

"She says she's different," Cat said miserably, "and she has to go and learn things. I don't know."

Millie said, "It's going to be difficult for her to be herself here, Cat. This world doesn't even have the words for her to be herself in."

"Poor Janet," Cat said, sincerely.

"Oh, I don't know," Millie said, grinning. "Janet knows who she is, and what she wants to do. That's something, you know. I suspect she takes after Chrestomanci that way. And before you say anything" – she raised a hand – "I really think everyone in the castle needs to stop worrying so much about who's _really_ related to whom. "

Cat nodded, and they fell silent for a moment, listening to the sounds drifting down from above. After she'd run away from school, Cat had summoned Janet's trunk back home for her, but apparently not everything she owned had been in it at the time; they could hear her negotiating with Julia for the loan of hair ribbons and brushes. Millie gave Cat a proper hug before leaving him sitting, still somewhat startled, on the stairs.

Perhaps in consideration of Cat's feelings, Chrestomanci was called to Series Ten after lunch. Cat used the time without magical theory to discreetly follow Janet about, and summon things she needed. It wasn't very helpful, but it made him feel better.

When Conrad and Janet were ready to leave, night was falling. Roger and Klartch had emerged from the tower for the occasion – "When the project's finished, we might be able to fly to see you!" Roger was saying, and Cat grimaced – and Millie was giving Janet a hug and saying something quietly to her; Cat wasn't quite sure what it was, but it sounded like "Bring a nice girl home". Julia was entreating her to write and not to lose the ribbons. It was a comforting cacophony.

When it was his turn, Cat managed to say, stiffly, "Bye, Janet", and left it at that. She'd come home again, he told himself, and he would go to see her. She grinned at him warmly, and he knew she understood.

"Right," Conrad said, firmly. "Time to go."

Janet nodded, and Millie gave her a last kiss on the cheek.

"Janet," said a voice from the upper landing. Chrestomanci was standing there, stock-still in the dimness, the lights from below reflecting in his gaze. There was quiet for a moment. "If you should need me, call."

"Yes, sir," said Janet.

Cat followed them a little way out of the door to watch them go, riding out below the moon, starting to cross the enormous distance.


End file.
